What to do?

Yesterday I was making the cover for my book and I completely forget about my life and when someone came to my room I was out of this world. I had to force myself to remember that she was talking about my grandmother, my grandmother who had left this world only a few days ago. I was in a stupor and that was a euphoric feeling. To not be able to remember the events that occurred in my life but then reality came back crashing to me and sent me sprawling.

Maybe I don't love her the way I thought or maybe I just want to try to my life again without her, whatever it is I am disturbed. Tomorrow is my birthday, I had forgotten about that even. My mother was the one who reminded me by saying that my birthday is tomorrow and I was shocked that I had forgotten that. The thing is that I never forget my own birthday, it was always everyone else who did it. I would wait for my day to come and wait for everyone to not remember because they never did, I wasn't important enough. So this was a shock to my system.

But now that I do remember I want to forget, for one I will be twenty this year, which is not a good feeling I want to be in my teens not someone in their twenties. For second it will be in the month that my grandmother died and third as selfish as it might be I want to celebrate a little. Not some fancy party but a chocolate cake and some chocolates as presents, but I think no one will do that. Sometimes even I don't want to do anything.

Still this is my case my poor cousin whose birthday was on the day of our grandmother's funeral. No one remembered, no cake, no presents and the ones who did remember we couldn't do anything and she's only 12.

On the other hand my publishers want me to pay money which I won't and I sent them an email saying that I can't pay the money and those fudging people don't even have the curtsey to reply. So I am not wasting my time on them I will be publishing on my own. I even made an awesome cover but I am undecided about the title. I don't know what to name my book.

Though is anyone is reading this, I want your help. This is my soul being bared and I need some help regarding some decisions namely the title of my book and the cover. I can't show my family my poetry because they will know the real me and I can't show them that part of me.

So again if anyone is reading this please ... help!