I'm watching Glee right now you're all I need to get by, the reason to live right not so much. Writing is good, writing is fun and writing is slowly becoming my life and my reason to get a chance to prove myself that I am more than my grades, more than a piece of paper. It's becoming my chance at redemption, if only I am good at it. Though I have no idea if I am or not as seeing I don't let anyone read my writing. Even right now this blog I've made it completely private so that only I can read it. Pathetic hand uh, I wrote a poem titled "Masked" it's about how I wear mask and don't let anyone see who is underneath it is true I don't. So here this blog is where I am uncovering myself for the whole world to see, you well not so much right now but soon I guess.
Hopefully, the funny thing is that when my family and friends do read what I write ( that is when I let them) they can never figure out that it's all about me, every single one is somehow related to how I felt in a moment, or I heard someone talk about me or when I see the expressions on my family's faces at my failures.
Some might think that getting bad grades is not a big deal maybe it isn't to them but here in my country and in my family it is. The only thing we do is study I mean that we can't do much else like say get a job which I do want to get in order to make some money and erase some of my guilt; but I can't because it will be seen as degrading and will put me across as the loser who couldn't go to a uni so she's working at a suck ass job. Or the girl who's family can't afford their lifestyle so there making her work.
In any of the scenarios the outcome isn't good. It's not that I am a complete loser I did get into a uni and it's a good one but not one that I wanted. I want to be a doctor but to get into a medical college I have to give something known as the MCAT ( medical college aptitude test) for which I am not applicable go figure by only a decimal of a difference. This year is isn't a good thing to be me right now.
So as a stand and to get sometime, me time to be specific and so I am taking a year off. Ahh the horror, yeah it will be when I tell people outside my family. There will be judgement, gossip and lectures that I am wasting my year blah bah
Well for all I care, which I don't they can talk themselves sick because I am doing what I want and I won't follow the crowd. It's one of my rules Don't follow the crowd. Thankfully I don't and never will.
Another thing seeing that I didn't go to any uni my mom's aunt is looking for a guy for me to get married. Yeah and I don't know what the fudge to do about it, I haven't even talked to a guy before and I am only nineteen but above all I DON'T WANT TO GET MARRIED!!! Who does when their just nineteen? Well besides the people who fall in love, I am all for that but I haven't found the the love of my life nor have I fallen in love ever before. The decision is clear I will fight and not get married and my mom's aunt can't so heck to change my mind.
Oh but I haven't even written about the best part. They all planned this behind my back, I had no idea what the fudge was going on until my brother started making subtle comments about getting my books published in Africa which I thought was weird. Why would I get my books published there, why not here first? and then everyone stared talking to me about moving to south Africa. Only then did I start to get a hint but the moment that proved my suspicions was when I saw a folder of my pictures of my aunt's laptop. And what did I do, I laughed. It was the only thing I could do at the moment. That and freaking throw the fudging laptop and break it but it would be a dead giveaway that I had seen that stupid folder.
And just because all of them had an arranged marriage didn't mean that I wanted too. So I am going to fight them, it won't be easy they will use their stupid mind tricks and guilt and Lord knows what else but I am me stubborn as hell and I don't give in easily.
For now that's what I will do. Even if they won't hear me.
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