Life Goes On

Life goes on. My life will also go on like everyone else in the world but sometimes I wish I could get stuck in moments sometimes. So that they can last longer, mostly they are moments when I'm happy but there also sad moments too and sometimes they are a memory. At other moments it is a dream. I am a dreamer I dream a lot but mostly I just sit quietly and just watch them.

But back to the moments, I wish I could capture them and I do later on in my words. My words are precious to, not the ones I speak but the ones I write because when I write I open my heart and soul but when I speak I'm only speaking for the sake of it; it's not from my heart. Maybe that is why I don't speak a lot and I am happy that way.

Since my grandmother is gone my mother's aunt has been trying to take her place because she feels she needs and she is right in a way but she needs to know that she won't ever truly take it.

Still it is very noble of her to try because no one else is trying and mother and aunt her orphans now. They need someone and she has stepped up to the plate. She is also using my name ( sort of ) in her college and I am letting her because I will join her college as a I don't what to tell the truth.

Maybe it is a sacrifice on my part or not but I know it will make her and my parents feel better so I will let them. They think they are saving me and my mental health but they don't know that my mental health is already bad but still I won't let them.

A few days ago I was thinking of going to a shrink but he/she will inevitably tell my parents about, which I cannot let them know so I let go of that idea.

My parents are also very adamant about finding a guy for me to marry and well I tried to fight them but I saw that the best strategy will be to let them be to their devices. In the end when they ask for my opinion or when they make me meet the gut I will just say no them and that will be that maybe them they will see how serious I am.

On another note I really really want to go abroad maybe to America or UK but I really want to go and I this fear that if I go into medicine I won't be able to go for about six to seven years and I want to badly really badly. But if I do something else then I will be get a scholarship and I will able to go.

Undecided should be stapled on my head I mean come on I should decide already what I want to do but I can't and ain't that the truth.

I was thinking about ethnicity how I am all brown. Brown eyes, Brown skin and dark Brown hair and everyone around me is the same with the same ancestors while people in well UK and US have these awesome backgrounds.

I want that too but I guess my ancestors were cool, well my grandfather was a prince so I guess that is cool. And well so I guess by default that makes me a princess. Wow I never thought about that me a princess ...

Weird anyway I think I should start to appreciate the things that I do have instead of going after the things that I don't have. Well there is my destination right there and I just have to go after it.

Urgh I can't stop writing! When I start there is this force that keeps me going on and on and I want to write about the most trivial of things but it is so much fun when I write. My thoughts just jump from one thing to another like a bunny on steroids while my hands have a hard time keeping up. It just lets me miss half the things when I type and a lot, a lot spelling mistakes but if that is the price I have to pay then so be it.

I was also thinking that if I do marry someone then I show them this blog or tell them to read it. But if I imagine that if they do want to know me or know me them he will just find it on his own and  that will be awesome but hey that is just a fantasy and they or he or whatever won't. Though I wish that they would.

 That is another thing I am, a wisher.


 Song selection: Soul sister by Train