Dazed and confused

Today was not a good day, I was depressed severely. I needed out but I didn't know how so it left me with a feeling of claustrophobia. I wanted to go out and do something. Something that would make me feel at ease but where would I go. All of this had to do something from the rejection that I received last night. The publisher though that my work was full of didactism. I agree with him in a way but still I feel let down. Lord how I hate recection, I think everybody does. It makes you feel the low of the low and I do not want to feel that way again.

Today I was also just about to stop following my dream, I just wanted to stop and leave it too, like I leave all my other hobbies but then I though is that what I want to be. A quitter? no I didn't want to be a quitter so I pushed myself to get it and I did. Sort of.

In the last few days my paternal grandmother went all ballistic about me taking a year off, How I was wasting myself and what will she tell everyone blah blah blah and my mom was feeling the same way, even if she hides it I can still see it. The disappointment in her eyes and in my fathers. My father especially thinks that I or rather this is some kind of joke. Today I made him read some of my work and I think that got through to him. A little bit I think but at least it got him to drop the topic of marriage. Just because I want some time of right now does not mean that I want to get married, they have to get that.

As for my sister, she says that doing something for your parents is the best feeling in the world maybe it is for her. But for me there are that is a really good feeling but so is doing something for others or strangers that is soul food for me and there is something else too. Following my dreams, it is satisfaction on its own for me.
But maybe I am wrong, maybe doing something for my parents should be the best feeling and what I call 'following my dream' is actually me being selfish.

I don't know,I just don't. I really really wish that someone was here with me as a mentor or a guide to help me through life and its weird hidden meanings. But I don't think I am going to get one and that is probably the truth.